We're all mad here…some just more so than others
Tears keep falling hot and heavy
Sliding in paths
I’m surprised
Haven’t become canyons on my cheeks by now
Carved out of years
Of being too little
too much
And pain that just never seems to quite leave
As if I’ve left just the tiniest bit
of infection behind
I’m watching myself
Walk away from everything
Abandoning support systems
and hope
That I am worth saving any more…
The other day I wanted to let you in. Expose the darkest parts of me. Let you see in the physical and emotional sense how not okay I am or have been. I wonder what the point is of hiding or not hiding. Will it only hurt you to know how twisted my insides are?
You walk through the darkest forests only at your own doing. Just passing through to let you know you still feel the highs and lows.
I am lost perpetually in the tangled branches. Sometimes there’s a clearing and it’s amazing. I dance in the sunlight just to be plunged in the darkness again. The paths shift suddenly or I’m snatched up by a tree and thrown into the pit.
I want to invite you in but I don’t know that you have a map to the way back out. This forest is my own to wander. It’s just that I’m here and you’re here but we aren’t seeing the same scenery. I wish I could come into your universe for awhile and rest.
I can’t figure out sometimes if life is painful and confusing because I have high expectations or if it’s because they aren’t high enough.
Today’s thought process:
I wonder if I have Attention Deficit Disorder. I should look up symp…
Was I making toast? Right, you asked for breakfast.
Hey kids, want to go to the gardens!?
I’m having trouble concentrating on people’s conversations while there are so many things around. I wonder if I have AD…
A squirrel! (No, really, a squirrel! So cute! We named him Nutsawoo)
Miss turn to home because child is screaming.
Right, let’s research ADD.
Is that the kettle?
Let’s check FB and now Ravelry. Why is there a tab open to ADD symptoms?
She is loved
Because she was loved
Can I be loved
Because I created love
From nothing?
The world will continue to exist without me, yet I have to continue to do so anyway.
Not because I’m annoying…at least, I don’t think so.
An inspector comes to our home unexpectedly to carry on a routine safety check. On a good day, I can chalk it up to the property management company neglecting to inform us of such and move on. On this particular day, however, my brain is telling me that this person is dangerous and not who he says he is. I have plans for the day which include leaving everyone I love home whilst I’m out. I’m driving to the store when the panic slams into me as if I’ve just driven 100 miles an hour into a brick wall. The really bad part of having a vivid imagination and anxiety is that I am now seeing a horrific scene from my worst nightmares in front of me as if it’s actually happening. I have to pull the car over because it feels as if my heart is being squeezed out of my chest.
Yep, that’s about right.
I have to keep telling myself that this is not real. The scene in my head, the feeling in my chest, the blinding sorrow are things that my brain is creating.
It’s hard having a brain that is convinced that everyone I meet is trying to murder me or my family in some way. All I can do is breathe through it and to thank my anxiety for letting me know how much I love these people. It subsides until the next potential murderer crosses my path.
I can laugh about it after the episode is over because, seriously, this is crazy talk and because I got a text saying that someone would be coming over but it got stuck in that weird place where texts go to cause paranoia.
I look up at him and my eyes grow big. “I’ve totally got it!” I exclaim.
He raises his eyebrows in response.
“At some point in the future, I’m going to meet Phil Collins. He’s going to fall in love with me and feel sad that he spent so much time doing other things so he’s going to invent a time machine or pay someone with one to send his younger self to me so we can be together. You’re the younger Phil Collins sent to be with me! Oh, you’re the best Phil Collins ever!” I shriek, hugging him and peppering his face with kisses as he laughs.
“But we can’t both exist at the same time. What about paradoxes?”
“Duh! We watched Star Trek the other night and Spock said there were no paradoxes and Dirk Gently had like three versions of the same guy all together and nothing happened. No paradoxes! But just to be sure, stay out of older Phil Collins’ sight.”
“You got it.”
I’m starting to question my true love’s intentions. Why is he giving me all these people making noise and birds?! If he thinks five golden rings is going to make up for all this chaos, I think he’s a bit mistaken.
Mad Tea Party Confessional 