Had a Bad Day Again…

 

Tears keep falling hot and heavy

Sliding in paths

I’m surprised

Haven’t become canyons on my cheeks by now

Carved out of years

Of being too little

too much

And pain that just never seems to quite leave

As if I’ve left just the tiniest bit

of infection behind

I’m watching myself

Walk away from everything

Abandoning support systems

and hope

That I am worth saving any more…

 

 

One day we will look back on this long anticipated vacation that ended with both kids having a stomach bug and laugh.  Today is definitely not that day…

The other day I wanted to let you in.  Expose the darkest parts of me.  Let you see in the physical and emotional sense how not okay I am or have been.  I wonder what the point is of hiding or not hiding.  Will it only hurt you to know how twisted my insides are?

You walk through the darkest forests only at your own doing.  Just passing through to let you know you still feel the highs and lows.

I am lost perpetually in the tangled branches.  Sometimes there’s a clearing and it’s amazing.  I dance in the sunlight just to be plunged in the darkness again.  The paths shift suddenly or I’m snatched up by a tree and thrown into the pit.

I want to invite you in but I don’t know that you have a map to the way back out.  This forest is my own to wander.  It’s just that I’m here and you’re here but we aren’t seeing the same scenery.  I wish I could come into your universe for awhile and rest.

 

This is the Thought That Never Ends…

So this morning I sent my lovely friend a quote that made me think of her.  The sentiment was basically that it’s great having a friend who will celebrate the big events in your life but it’s even more awesome having a friend that celebrates when you get out of bed and shower when you’re depressed.  This is my friend who gets me through and through because she has her own dealings with depression and anxiety.

She fired back a “Your you is awesome!” and I smiled and went through my day.  She’s started a new job today….

Oh shit….

Did I just send my friend a quote that essentially says hey yeah you’re awesome for getting a new job but I’m even more awesome because I got out of bed because I’m a fucking basket case right now?

Yes, yes I did.

Asshole.

So now that her work day is done, I sent her a follow up message that was a hey my brain gremlins have told me I’m an asshole for sending you that message earlier because it sorta seems like a passive aggressive fish for you to tell me I’m awesome for getting out of bed when I just meant it as I’m proud of you for getting a new job AND for getting out of bed and doing the things when shit was hard.  I’m also super happy that I have a friend like you that gets how hard those things can be for me and loves me for the big and little stuff too.

I’m going to go hide in a hole now.

She responds that she totally understood the sentiment behind it.  Because of course she does.  And that she loves having me as a friend who gets those things about her too.

Sounds great, right?  I have an awesome friend for once in my life.

Except now I’m fighting the urge to message her back and say that I didn’t mean that last message as a passive aggressive fish for more love and schmoopy words about our friendship.  I just wanted her to know that I’m sorry for being an asshole.  Because I do that…A LOT.

I will not send her that message so instead I’m crying and crying because I just feel like I can’t even love someone correctly.  I’m so fucking broken that I don’t know how to friend or love or take a damn compliment without ripping it into shreds.

My brain hurts.  My heart hurts.

I’m so afraid of what this will end up doing to the people I care about.  Will they understand this obsessive side of me or will it end up causing them to step back because I’ve got my damn needy pants on and I can’t seem to take them off?

Reason #22 Why I Don’t Have Friends

I have this fear of my friends getting to know each other.  I assume that as soon as they do, they will ditch me and happily enjoy each others’ company far more than they ever did mine.

I feel like middle school…like I have nothing to offer someone that’s enough to have them really want me around.

I typically find the new people and ease their transitions and then get dropped when the cool kids notice them.  The cool kids don’t have big glaring mental health issues that keep them from making plans or keeping them or not saying awkward shit.

Granny used to stroke my hair when the girls were mean in middle school and made me feel special and loved.  She’s dead now.  I’m not special any more.  I’m not so unconditionally loved any more.

*sigh*

If you need me, I’ll be in my room…staring at the ceiling – listening to the Cure….which I discovered way later than was cool because that’s just who I am.