We have a big move coming up in about three months.  Since the beginning of the year, I’ve felt that I’ve been bridging the gap between these two worlds and as time goes by so quickly, I feel the divide grow until I feel like I’ll snap.  I’m being pulled in two directions and I’m firmly team here with a fab support system and places to run.  The other direction brings some comfort in the known but also there are knowns that are painful and unresolved in how to deal.

I decided to just let go of the there for now (only tuning in to what’s necessary to think about in the moment) and be a tourist in this place that I am now….to fully experience it in all it’s beauty and sights as if I’m looking at them again for the first and possibly last time.  It’s bittersweet, this…the rush of euphoric chemicals swirling in my brain with just the dark edging of sadness that I cannot hold these moments tightly, they are slipping away no matter what I do but I can be open to the experience just the same.

It struck me this morning, though, that this is life, yeah?  We are always bridging the gap between two worlds.  No matter what your view of the afterlife or lack thereof.  We are between existence and non (or stardust or heaven or hell or reincarnation or…) every second of the day.  So perhaps it’s time to play the constant tourist in life.  Enjoy the fuck out of as much as possible because this could be the last time you’re seeing it through these eyes.

My mark on this world is like my footprint in the snow.  Intangible to hold, fading, sometimes clear and others soft.  In some small ways, this is comforting and in others, a total mindfuck.

Business as Usual

I haven’t, in fact, died.  February went by in a blur of too many days of round the clock child care with the Engineer working more shifts or traveling and me collapsing the fuck in bed as soon as the kids were asleep and the dog fed.

Also because I like to make life complicated, I started a job.  Don’t feel too bad for me though because we had a business meeting the other day where three of the four of us were crying and then we had a dance party to end that shit on a better note.  Everyone was laughing by the end.  The Scissor Sisters’ song I Don’t Feel Like Dancing gets it every single time.

There’s also been an awesome dietary shift in there which means I’m taking better care of myself and mostly have better energy but also means there’s a degree of brain power and work involved in feeding my face really healthy yummy food and wandering around my house in circles to get all my steps in for the day when the weather decides to go fuck all and pour the snow down just as the Engineer left for ten days trapping me inside with the wild monkeys.  We survived though AND with the help of the internet, I de-iced my water pipes which are stupidly on the outside of my old ass house all by my damn self.  I only cried a little.

And then there’s also the ice skating routine I’m making up and practicing in the empty bedroom to the song Bulls on Parade.