All Aboard the Anxiety Express!

The Engineer has wanted to spend the entire day talking about what would happen if I die.  I have an appointment tomorrow to get a lump in my boob checked out.  This is EXACTLY the fucking conversation I wanted to have today.  It has made me feel a million times better about the thing that I have been worried about.  Thanks, honey…

The Engineer: You could knit all day, couldn’t you?

Me: Yeah. Especially right now, I’ve got a lot of anxiety. It’s either knit or break all the dishes.

He raises an eyebrow.

Me: I mean, you don’t have times when you just want to smash all the dishes?

TE: No…and don’t do that

Me: Oh, I wouldn’t. We’d have to replace them and I’d just have to clean it all up which would be more work and I can’t even right now.

He sits, quietly chewing on his thumb.

Me: And there you have a peek into the dark, weird parts of my brain.

I’m cringing though because I feel like I’ve gone too far. Sometimes I swear I can’t be alone in my thoughts but when I let them out in the open, the space between me and everyone else grows.

Whatever Will the Neighbors Say

Pixie just stuck her head out the door and yelled, “Cock!” repeatedly for 5 minutes.  She’s trying to call an eagle, she says.  I’m too busy laughing to tell her to stop.

This is Why I Can’t Do Drugs…

I have the flu.  I took the suggested dose of cough suppressant a couple hours ago.  This is my first dose of cough medicine in almost 8 years when I got pregnant with my first kid.  I feel like I’m high.

It’s late and I should sleep but I feel like I could run forever.  Then I thought I should take some of these pills before my half marathon in a couple weeks because since I’ve been sick every 3 weeks since I signed up there’s no other way I’m going to be able to run the thing.

I should go to sleep but I’m convinced that I’ve somehow taken too much or the wrong thing and I’m going to die.  Did I do all the important things today if I do die?

I should go to sleep but I’m laughing too hard about an article about the comments on a rainbow cake tutorial.

None of the words that I’m typing making any sense and I’m really thankful for spellcheck right about now.

The phrase “Taste the Rainbow” now totally makes more sense to me.

I’ve messaged someone and apologized profusely for being an asshole.  I’ve never messaged this person before.

I’d really like a ham sandwich right about now.

I should really go to bed.

 

All of this and I’m still coughing…

Your Spring Variation of Holiday Trauma

Picture the scene of two adorable, pink-cheeked children flush with excitement bounding for the front door.  They have been waiting for Easter for months now and the poor things have been sick lately so they are especially excited to be allowed outdoors for a few moments to hunt eggs.  I open the door and they rush out…

to be greeted by a decapitated bird, complete with explosion of feathers and oh so very much blood.

My 7 year old starts crying and telling me that he can hear baby birds crying for their mama off in the distance and my 4 year old is sad that I’ve closed the door and there is candy out there for the taking, dammit!

The Engineer silently shuffles off to get an empty box and a shovel.  He’s a good man, that one.

I scooped up the eggs and threw them around the living room because there’s still a lot of blood and feathers out there.

Then to make this whole day more picturesque and Hallmark cardish, I come down with a raging fever and spend most of the day in bed to be followed by the Engineer.  By bedtime, we just sorta crawled up the steps and pointed at beds.

Oh the fun holiday memories my children will have!

Sometimes I wonder if I actually had children or if I’m on a really long and weird drug trip…

If It’s on the Internet, It Must Be True!

My husband, D, is a smart man but he has this weird quirk that makes him seem a bit dumb.  He firmly believes that if he finds an article about something online, it must be the absolute truth.  I mean, seriously, the internet is for lies, recipes, porn, and cute pictures of puppies.  Did he not get that memo?

Even more infuriating is the fact that I can tell him something that is true – based on experience or knowledge from a reputable source – and he will ignore or dismiss my offering.  Then he will look it up on the internet and find the same exact thing that I JUST FUCKING SAID and it is now true because the internet says it is.  Cue internal screaming.

I think, however, I am going to start using this to my advantage…maybe even use this blog  – to report the facts as I see them so I can get what I want.

Fact #1: Women whose husbands listen to them when they say carefully thought out shit live longer and happier lives.

It’s Not You, It’s Satan

Have you ever been having a conversation with someone and then suddenly wonder if they are just saying things to see if you’re really paying attention or if you’re as nice and cool as they think you are?  Totally had one of those recently.

It’s left me uncertain because there was just enough implied but not said that leaves me wondering if it was all just a big weird misunderstanding that we will all laugh about later. I also think of all the times I’ve firmly kicked myself between the teeth and anxiously thrown out something really weird that I don’t even think at all but suddenly it’s there hanging in the air uncomfortably like a silent but really nasty fart.  I might be willing to give the benefit of the doubt here but my overreactive spidey senses are tingling so it’s probably best to bow out.

This is Why We Don’t Have Friends

I went on a play date. The kids all got along really well and so did we. Now I’m pretty sure it’s all just a twisted plot to murder my family.

The 12 Days of Christmas

I’m starting to question my true love’s intentions. Why is he giving me all these people making noise and birds?! If he thinks five golden rings is going to make up for all this chaos, I think he’s a bit mistaken.